Recognising abusive behaviour

Think Pieces

By Basma Aboudihaj · February 1, 2023

I have never thought of myself as an abuser because I have never been violent to any of my partners, but now I know different. I have been in my current relationship for about 6 years, and I thought things where good between us, we seemed happy. I had a good job, we had two children together we didn’t have any issues, or so I thought. I was unaware that some of my behaviours had become a problem and my partner was not happy.

I have been texting and calling my partner most days, if not every day from work or if I was out anywhere for the past few years just to see how she was. I just wanted to know if she was having a good day or

what she was up to, just normal stuff I thought most people did, not realising that my partner didn’t see it that way.
I never thought that I was doing this excessively to the point that my partner thought I was checking up on her or trying to catch her out.

I started to notice that she was different around me when I was at home, she was acting as if I had done something wrong. I would ask her “what’s wrong” and she would say that everything was okay and at first, I left it at that but the feeling didn’t go away it got worse and I started to push her more on what was wrong.

We started arguing over little things which we wouldn’t normally argue about and then one evening when I got back from work we had a massive argument and it came out she thought I was being controlling and trying to control what she did then the neighbours tried to get involved because they heard us shouting at each other and because I was angry I threatened them and they then called the police and I was arrested.

Eventually I was bailed and told that I couldn’t go home, contact my partner or see the children, I had never felt so low. Social services were now involved and I was told that I had been abusive to my partner and was now seen as a perpetrator of abuse which I denied and wouldn’t admit to.

I was told that I had to attend a Domestic Abuse course and I was referred to Intuitive Thinking Skills. At first I wouldn’t engage with the course because I thought by doing the course I am admitting I’m an abuser and no way was I one. Before I started the course I in all honesty was blind to my own behaviour.

After a few sessions on the course my eyes were opened massively and it gave me a greater insight into my behaviour in my relationship and now I can see how it was abusive so yes, I was wrong. I could see how my behaviour had become controlling and paranoid, all because of something that happened in a past relationship which I thought I was over and it didn’t affect me. However, my tutor explained how my past affected me and then I understood it, he helped me by teaching me skills and giving me the tools to deal with it.

I engaged in the course fully without holding anything back and approached it with an open mind as my tutor suggested. Wanting to understand my behaviour and see the bigger picture, helped me move forward from my past behaviour in a positive way and never become that person again.

The course has helped me massively to see what my problems were and from now on,

I will always treat my partner as an equal, work together and never against each other and always considering the other person’s feelings and wishes.

My experience with the course and course tutor has been great never once did I get the impression he was there to judge me. I have judged myself and will never be abusive again.

There are many types of abuse and there should be more information out there so people like me know and maybe do something before it gets to my situation. I would genuinely recommend this course to anyone who is or has been in my situation.